Monthly Archives: February 2018

Dear Nobody

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I am finally in a good place in my life, I have worked hard during the last nine years to get here. I applied for disability, I moved into transitional housing in order to get my mental health situated. I opened up myself in therapy, in mental health related groups.

I graduated from groups twice, I got out of transitional housing in 2014 with literally no support from family. I stayed with friends, crashed at a motel for a week and then lived in apartments with college kids. I have my own place now and I am managing my own money.

I went through a lot of bullshit to get here though, fake friends, the sudden death of my ex and having my mental health problems used against me resulting in me being arrested by an former landlord.

I deserve some happiness, I deserve someone who doesn’t throw the fact that I am on disability in my face. As if your problems are so much greater then mine.

Although you love to tell me you are “different” then other guys, you do the same things they did. I don’t have a voice with you, I listen and remember everything you say but things I say aren’t important to you.

I feel like I’m dealing with the same crap that I was at age 19, in a different package. I’m constantly being accused of cheating, of lying. I’m sick of putting on a fake smile like everything is all good. When I know its not.

If you don’t want this anymore then go, I’m not holding you hostage.

 

 

Five things that annoy taller then average people

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As a female that has always been taller then my peers, there are some things and questions that get old after awhile. At age twelve being six foot I would answer the questions ; How old are you? How tall are you? Do you play basketball? With a smile. In my mid thirties, I have to say these questions are much more annoying now. I will still answer the How tall are you question when asked but in general I hate when I answer the Do I play basketball question as No I do not, the asker gets offended as if how dare I not.

Here are the top five things in general that annoy me.

 

– Being asked if I play basketball or volleyball.

When I was a kid I played basketball for fun, however when I entered high school I lost the interest. There are a lot of shorter females that are wonderful basketball players. A persons height shouldn’t determine whether they are good at a sport.

 

– Shopping for jeans/leggings/pants

I hate shopping for clothes, especially pants. I am 6’2″ and plus size, it is never a pleasant experience. They are always to short or long enough and tight.  I wish clothing companies would get with the program and realize women are not all cookie cutter sizes.

 

– Being asked how tall I am and/or Being told I am tall

I usually answer how tall I am when asked unless I don’t feel like being bothered. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood and don’t want to answer the height question, I don’t owe anyone anything. On the flip side someone stating I am tall is annoying as hell. When I am in a really bad mood I may ask you how short you are.

 

– After stating my fear of heights, being asked why I’m scared as I’m so tall.

This question is so dumb I’m not even going to explain it.

 

– Hitting my head on low ceilings, ceiling fans

If you know your house as ceiling fans and/or low ceilings, how about you warn me instead of letting me knock myself out.

 

Short entry, my laptop is officially dead but I just got a kindle fire. Planning on keeping the site updated

 

 

 

 

Favorite vacations I took as a kid

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When I was a kid we went a lot of places and we always drove. I was a taller then average kid, so being stuck in a back seat with my brother for hours wasn’t amazing most of the time. It was always worth it in the end.

Toronto, Canada:

We went to Canada a lot and I had been to Toronto a lot before this trip. We went for a weekend on this trip, the summer after my freshman year of highschool. We went to see Phantom of the Opera which I loved and made this weekend getaway perfect. Honestly that is the only thing I remember.

 

Williamsburg, Virginia

I love history and it’s made better by living history, this is something my father and I had in common. I was seventeen and was starting my junior year the following month.

I remember being crammed in a car, I was already 6’2″ so that was loads of fun for fifteen hours. It was August, why we went in August is beyond me. It was late night when we got there, pouring rain and a hundred and four degrees. I can only describe it as feeling like being in a hot shower fully dressed.

We stayed for a week, there was a lot of changes going on at home. During this time, my parents were in the process of looking for a house and we were packing. My father had just sold the local internet provider he Co-Owned to a larger company. I was processing the fact that I would be leaving the only home I had known and was not happy.

This is the trip that I think about when I think about my father.

 

Five things I wish everyone understood ; Living with panic disorder

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Honestly there are way more then five things but for this post I will keep it at five. I have been a sufferer of panic attacks since before I knew what they were. I was very young when I had my first one, by the time I was in highschool I was having them on a daily basis. I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder in my early twenties. The lack of education on mental health disorders is why so many people suffer alone, believing they are alone.

– I can’t just get over it:  When I am having a panic attack in public, it feels like the walls are closing in, like there isn’t enough oxygen on the planet. Unless I get away from wherever I am..I can not calm myself down. For me suffering from panic attacks is completely debilitating, at one point I was completely housebound and diagnosed with agoraphobia. Telling me to get over it, is like telling someone with a broken leg to get up and walk.

– Leaving my apartment is a Daily struggle:  I have in the past cancelled important doctors appointments just because I had a bad panic attack about getting on public transportation.

– I am not lazy/unmotivated/making it up:  Sometimes I wish the average person who says these things can spend a day in my shoes. It would be nice if people would try to understand but most only believe what they can see. Also people are ignorant assholes.

– irrational fears are a Daily struggle: I constantly look at the ground when I walk, I have fears about falling on the sidewalk, down the stairs, getting hit by a car. I have fears about being in a fire so I check multiple times that everything is off..that the door is locked. The fears aren’t limited to myself, they involve my family,friends and sometimes people I don’t even know.

_ It sometimes takes me hours to relax enough to sleep:  My SO falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, I envy people like him. I lay in bed for hours over analyzing past decisions, why I’m still alive, if I will still be alive in three years when my son turns eighteen. By the time I finally drift off to sleep, it’s usually close to five in the morning.

There are so many more things that I wish people would get. If you don’t know what it’s like then at least keep an open mind when someone tries to explain.

 

 

Can breathe once again

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I was supposed to have blood work done yesterday, I also wanted to change psychiatrists. I haven’t been sleeping, my anxiety is through the roof and I’ve been having a lot of hallucinations. The doctor I was originally linked with when I returned dug up a lot of stuff about my son.

It is bad enough that I don’t have any contact with my son who will be fifteen in June. I think about it enough on my own but this doctor was an asshole when I was explaining why and what happened. He kept cutting me off and made me feel like the situation was my fault. He actually made a comment about how “women always get custody in custody court cases.”

I hate when men or people in general assume this, it is not true when the mother has a mental health disorder and has been hospitalized because of it. I was fucked over by social services, point blank. After the doctors appointment, I went home a cried for three days straight. I’ve been having nightmares and second guessing my past decisions. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2009 but I thought seriously about putting myself in the hospital.

I really don’t want too, I know I would be there for two weeks. That 72 hold if you admit yourself, you can check yourself out in three days is a bunch of bullshit. At least in Buffalo, I think they just tell people that to pacify them. The truth is once you are in there, you can’t leave until they release you.

So I went to the appointment to find out I didn’t even need blood work done. I was able to talk to the director of the program and was able to change doctor’s and get set up with a new counselor. Erin is leaving Friday which I knew, they are supposed to call me this week with who I would be linked with.

 

As for the doctor, I’m actually going to be seeing a nurse practitioner whom I was linked with years ago and loved. I have an appointment with her at the end of the month, since she us the one who originally diagnosed me with what I am diagnosed with now. I am optimistic that I can get back on the haldol injection which is the only anti psychotic that has worked for me.

When I got home after the appointment, I was relieved and had energy that I haven’t felt in weeks. I am once again looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

 

I am still having laptop problems, letting it rest a couple days and doing everything from my two phones.

 

 

 

 

 

This mistake can land you in hot water

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I have been making extra cash with survey’s seriously for two years now, it doesn’t pay bills and it takes time and effort. Most surveys are boring as hell but if you like sharing your opinion and getting rewarded in the process, Top tricks and tips that I have learned and a major mistake that can get you in trouble that you don’t want..

 

DO’s

Use an email address only for surveys and login to it often, a missed survey invite is missed money

Sign up for a bunch of different companies, you’ll learn the one’s that pay fast as you go.

If you start a survey finish it, don’t exit out because it’s boring.

If you want to get paid via paypal, sign up with paypal with the same email you are using with surveys.

 

Survey’s can lead to lots of things…invited to communities, product reviews.

 

When you are invited to review a product that is not yet available to the public, they ask to agree to their stipulations – Read all of them before you agree. These include talking to anyone about the product including offline and ONLINE, Posting Pictures, Telling anyone anything about the product.

DO NOT EVER post any pictures or talk about any products you are reviewing for a company, anywhere online. 

This only includes products for survey companies, they usually come in unmarked white or clear containers for a reason. They ask you to agree for a reason and once you do and break that agreement,. Popular survey sites have lawyers, you don’t have to mention the panel who asked for a review, all it takes is one person to see the product you posted and talked about. They could be reviewing the same product and report you,

Not only will you be permanently banned from the survey company, they may take out a lawsuit as well.