Category Archives: lifestyle

post updates about me

Dear Nobody

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I am finally in a good place in my life, I have worked hard during the last nine years to get here. I applied for disability, I moved into transitional housing in order to get my mental health situated. I opened up myself in therapy, in mental health related groups.

I graduated from groups twice, I got out of transitional housing in 2014 with literally no support from family. I stayed with friends, crashed at a motel for a week and then lived in apartments with college kids. I have my own place now and I am managing my own money.

I went through a lot of bullshit to get here though, fake friends, the sudden death of my ex and having my mental health problems used against me resulting in me being arrested by an former landlord.

I deserve some happiness, I deserve someone who doesn’t throw the fact that I am on disability in my face. As if your problems are so much greater then mine.

Although you love to tell me you are “different” then other guys, you do the same things they did. I don’t have a voice with you, I listen and remember everything you say but things I say aren’t important to you.

I feel like I’m dealing with the same crap that I was at age 19, in a different package. I’m constantly being accused of cheating, of lying. I’m sick of putting on a fake smile like everything is all good. When I know its not.

If you don’t want this anymore then go, I’m not holding you hostage.

 

 

Five things that annoy taller then average people

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As a female that has always been taller then my peers, there are some things and questions that get old after awhile. At age twelve being six foot I would answer the questions ; How old are you? How tall are you? Do you play basketball? With a smile. In my mid thirties, I have to say these questions are much more annoying now. I will still answer the How tall are you question when asked but in general I hate when I answer the Do I play basketball question as No I do not, the asker gets offended as if how dare I not.

Here are the top five things in general that annoy me.

 

– Being asked if I play basketball or volleyball.

When I was a kid I played basketball for fun, however when I entered high school I lost the interest. There are a lot of shorter females that are wonderful basketball players. A persons height shouldn’t determine whether they are good at a sport.

 

– Shopping for jeans/leggings/pants

I hate shopping for clothes, especially pants. I am 6’2″ and plus size, it is never a pleasant experience. They are always to short or long enough and tight.  I wish clothing companies would get with the program and realize women are not all cookie cutter sizes.

 

– Being asked how tall I am and/or Being told I am tall

I usually answer how tall I am when asked unless I don’t feel like being bothered. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood and don’t want to answer the height question, I don’t owe anyone anything. On the flip side someone stating I am tall is annoying as hell. When I am in a really bad mood I may ask you how short you are.

 

– After stating my fear of heights, being asked why I’m scared as I’m so tall.

This question is so dumb I’m not even going to explain it.

 

– Hitting my head on low ceilings, ceiling fans

If you know your house as ceiling fans and/or low ceilings, how about you warn me instead of letting me knock myself out.

 

Short entry, my laptop is officially dead but I just got a kindle fire. Planning on keeping the site updated

 

 

 

 

Five things I wish everyone understood ; Living with panic disorder

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Honestly there are way more then five things but for this post I will keep it at five. I have been a sufferer of panic attacks since before I knew what they were. I was very young when I had my first one, by the time I was in highschool I was having them on a daily basis. I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder in my early twenties. The lack of education on mental health disorders is why so many people suffer alone, believing they are alone.

– I can’t just get over it:  When I am having a panic attack in public, it feels like the walls are closing in, like there isn’t enough oxygen on the planet. Unless I get away from wherever I am..I can not calm myself down. For me suffering from panic attacks is completely debilitating, at one point I was completely housebound and diagnosed with agoraphobia. Telling me to get over it, is like telling someone with a broken leg to get up and walk.

– Leaving my apartment is a Daily struggle:  I have in the past cancelled important doctors appointments just because I had a bad panic attack about getting on public transportation.

– I am not lazy/unmotivated/making it up:  Sometimes I wish the average person who says these things can spend a day in my shoes. It would be nice if people would try to understand but most only believe what they can see. Also people are ignorant assholes.

– irrational fears are a Daily struggle: I constantly look at the ground when I walk, I have fears about falling on the sidewalk, down the stairs, getting hit by a car. I have fears about being in a fire so I check multiple times that everything is off..that the door is locked. The fears aren’t limited to myself, they involve my family,friends and sometimes people I don’t even know.

_ It sometimes takes me hours to relax enough to sleep:  My SO falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, I envy people like him. I lay in bed for hours over analyzing past decisions, why I’m still alive, if I will still be alive in three years when my son turns eighteen. By the time I finally drift off to sleep, it’s usually close to five in the morning.

There are so many more things that I wish people would get. If you don’t know what it’s like then at least keep an open mind when someone tries to explain.

 

 

Can breathe once again

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I was supposed to have blood work done yesterday, I also wanted to change psychiatrists. I haven’t been sleeping, my anxiety is through the roof and I’ve been having a lot of hallucinations. The doctor I was originally linked with when I returned dug up a lot of stuff about my son.

It is bad enough that I don’t have any contact with my son who will be fifteen in June. I think about it enough on my own but this doctor was an asshole when I was explaining why and what happened. He kept cutting me off and made me feel like the situation was my fault. He actually made a comment about how “women always get custody in custody court cases.”

I hate when men or people in general assume this, it is not true when the mother has a mental health disorder and has been hospitalized because of it. I was fucked over by social services, point blank. After the doctors appointment, I went home a cried for three days straight. I’ve been having nightmares and second guessing my past decisions. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2009 but I thought seriously about putting myself in the hospital.

I really don’t want too, I know I would be there for two weeks. That 72 hold if you admit yourself, you can check yourself out in three days is a bunch of bullshit. At least in Buffalo, I think they just tell people that to pacify them. The truth is once you are in there, you can’t leave until they release you.

So I went to the appointment to find out I didn’t even need blood work done. I was able to talk to the director of the program and was able to change doctor’s and get set up with a new counselor. Erin is leaving Friday which I knew, they are supposed to call me this week with who I would be linked with.

 

As for the doctor, I’m actually going to be seeing a nurse practitioner whom I was linked with years ago and loved. I have an appointment with her at the end of the month, since she us the one who originally diagnosed me with what I am diagnosed with now. I am optimistic that I can get back on the haldol injection which is the only anti psychotic that has worked for me.

When I got home after the appointment, I was relieved and had energy that I haven’t felt in weeks. I am once again looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

 

I am still having laptop problems, letting it rest a couple days and doing everything from my two phones.

 

 

 

 

 

January Recap & Post Goals for February

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I started this month by planning out blog posts and wanting to post twice a week which worked for about two weeks and then I was lucky if I posted once a week. I started seeing a new doctor, going back to mental health services and meeting with my new care manager. That being said, I hate my new psychiatrist who feels I don’t have any of the things I was previously diagnosed with and my real problem is lack of sleep. He hasn’t put me on any meds besides a sleeping pill so I’m still having panic attacks, still having a hallucinations, still having depression. He has been a psychiatrist for forty years and I have been living in my body for thirty-four but I don’t know anything. It would have helped at my first appointment if he was more worried about my symptoms then why I can’t see my son.

I posted eight times in January, these are the posts I think you should check out:

http://jolene.thislove.nu/2018/01/23/seven-things-other-people-do-that-annoy-me/

http://jolene.thislove.nu/2018/01/08/why-i-blog-and-why-i-chose-the-name-mental-affliction/

http://jolene.thislove.nu/2018/01/05/five-things-i-am-doing-to-make-my-life-better-in-2018/

 

In February I hope to post twice a week, but some weeks I may post more or less depending on appointments and such. I have posts planned until March and I ordered another planner that I hope to dedicate to just blogging. I also plan on doing a couple of survey site reviews and product reviews in the coming months. If you are a new reader I hope to stay awhiile, if you are an old reader..glad you are still here.

Seven things other people do that annoy me

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I really don’t like to be around people in general and only really go out if I have an appointment or need something from the store. Honestly people in general get under my skin which is why I only really spend time with my SO and that’s about it, people lucky if I answer the phone for them.

Lying about dumb things or lying in general:

I don’t like when people lie to me, especially when they start drama or start a rumor and when caught in the lie they cry. I am grown and there are certain people who I know read my blog that lie about shit that don’t make sense. There is this “friend” that I have that lied about seeing one of my family members a couple of months ago. Who also started a rumor about me in the building we both lived in and blamed it on a couple of innocent people, basically started a ton of drama and I was ready to beat these two innocent people asses over some shit that came out of her mouth. When she was caught, she cried…that’s what people who when they get caught in lies. STOP LYING.

There is honestly no reason to lie about anything and it’s pointless to confront this bitch because she won’t own up to shit. To this day she still denies the drama she started over the summer. Matter fact she is still holding true to the lies she told on another situation that she wasn’t even apart of originally, a situation she inserted herself in to be relevant. I should have known she was wacked when I found out she know’s all these bitches from my past that I no longer associate with because they cause drama including “Crazy Girl”

Moving on….

Walking really slow:

I am tall so I walk faster then shorter people, my legs are longer. I really hate when people walk slow and then like are all over the sidewalk so I can’t pass. Some people have driving rage, I have walking rage.

Stopping out of nowhere in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store or mall:

When I’m walking behind someone in the store and they just stop out of nowhere in the middle of the walkway and don’t move over.

Walking in front of your very young children:

There is no reason ever that your two year old child is walking behind you…can’t tell you how many times I have seen this bullshit in Buffalo. I also can’t tell you how many times I have pulled a young child that wasn’t related to me out of the fucking street. If you do this..SMFH

Acting tough on social media aka being a “online gangster” or a “phone gangster”:

this doesn’t need examples

Treating me as if I am a grocery store and only calling/texting when you need something:

There are several people I know that text me lists of stuff they need from me and that’s the only time they text me.

Always talking about drama:

I know someone who only calls when they got drama going on, I hate that shit.

 

 

 

Top Three Favorite Blogs

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When I have free time and I’m not writing a blog, doing surveys, spending time on twitter or playing the sims, these are the sites I like to go on when I’m bored and why.

http://flyhighrocketship.net/

Her blog has a colorful design, it’s organized and she writes about interesting things. She responds to comments which I also like. When a blog owner takes the time to respond to a comment you feel like you’re connected.

http://anywhere-is.net/

She is one of the few blog owners that has been around as long as I have (since the late 90’s) that is the main reason I like her blog. Her blog is interesting, I like reading it.

https://realwaystoearnmoneyonline.com/

This blog is the only one I trust for work at home opportunities or ways to earn money online besides surveys. She has a biweekly newsletter so if you are interested subscribe to that.

 

This entry is really short, Monday’s should be longer. Check out the above sites.

Top Five Favorite Sims 4 Mods

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I love playing the sims four but the game gets boring sometimes, A lot of gamers who play the sims don’t like to play with mods or custom content. I play with a lot of mods and custom content, out of those mods I play with these are the top five I currently can’t play without and links to download if you’d like to try them too.

 

MC Command Center or MCCC:

You can download MCCC at: https://deaderpoolmc.tumblr.com/

You can do a lot of things with MCCC, I use it for story progression and when one of my sims is pregnant to tell how many babies and what gender they are.There is a lot more the mod does though.

Basmental Drug Mod:

You can download the drug mod at: http://basementalcc.com/

This mod add’s a lot of drugs in your game but the one I use the most is weed. It also adds the ability to become a drug dealer and an event to buy from dealer.

Extreme Violence Mod:

You can download this mod at: http://sims4studio.com/thread/7833/studio-drama *Note: you have to join the forum to download

This mod add’s a lot of things into gameplay, you can stab or shoot people. You can get sims info from your cellphone. Watch the trailer to see all the things you can do. I use this mod when I am bored, to be honest.

Realistic LifeSpan Mod:

You can download this mod at: http://modthesims.info/d/592832

This mod changes how long your sim spends at each lifestage, for the realistic flavor and the one I use is:

Realistic :
– baby : 28 days
– toddler : 84 days
– child : 224 days
– teen : 168 days
– young adult : 336 days
– adult : 980 days
– elder : 560 days

Risky WooHoo:

You can download this mod at::http://modthesims.info/d/602778 or you can get the woohoo add on with MCCC which does the same thing.

This mod has ten flavors, pick one and add it to your game. Those flavors are:

1% Chance
2% Chance
3% Chance
4% Chance
5% Chance
10% Chance
15% Chance
20% Chance
25% Chance
30% Chance

At this moment I am using 30% in my game. I use this mod for story progression where my sim is able bodied to get pregnant but I don’t want to use the try for a baby option.

These mods are all currently in my game but aren’t the only one’s I use. What mods can’t you play without? leave them in the comments below.

 

Three Favorite Authors

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Anyone who knows me knows that I spend most if not all of my free time reading. I don’t have a favorite book, I have many favorite books. What I do have is favorite authors but like many who read I can not narrow it down to just one author. Picking just three authors was hard enough for me.

 

Victoria Laurie: http://www.victorialaurie.com/

I discovered Victoria Laurie while looking on my local libraries overdrive account, and noticing that she had a series called Ghost Hunter and at that time the first four books were available so I checked them out. I was hooked from the very first book I read and I think I read those five books in about a weeks time. I ended up going to my city’s main branch and trying to request all her books and I got this look from one of the librarians like I was crazy. I read all the book’s in that series and noticing that she had another series..Psychic eye mysteries. I actually read almost the entire Ghost Hunters series before I read the first book in the Psychic eye series.

When I started the Psychic eye mystery series there were thirteen books out with number fourteen coming out that July, I started reading the series and I completed book thirteen in June of 2015, just in time for me to buy and read number fourteen. She is the first author I have ever pre-ordered a book with and that book was number fifteen in the psychic eye mystery series that came out this past July.

Her books bring so many emotions out in me, and she is the only author that can do that for me.

Janice Thompson: http://janiceathompson.com/

Janice Thompson has a number of books, book series and such. I have only read the weddings by bella, weddings by design and bella novella series’. I discovered this author by downloading the first book in the weddings by bella series on amazon kindle. I read that first book in 2011 I believe and then I got the actual other two out from the library at the time. I own all the books in the above series in kindle format and the first three of the weddings by bella series in actual book format.

I read these books when I am in the mood for some sweet romance, as none of her books have any sex scenes.

 

Liz Schulte: http://www.lizschulte.com/

I downloaded Easy Bake Coven as a freebie from amazon a couple years ago and that is how I got hooked on Liz Schulte’s writing. If you read or have read any of her books that feature the Aybss world she has a recommended reading order on her website here, So far I have only read in the Easy Bake Coven series up to Ollie, Ollie Hex ‘n Free. I do own others but am still trying to collect before I start reading again.

 

Those are my top three that I will always read before I read anyone else, if you like to read and are looking for someone new then check out one of the above authors or their websites.