I was supposed to have blood work done yesterday, I also wanted to change psychiatrists. I haven’t been sleeping, my anxiety is through the roof and I’ve been having a lot of hallucinations. The doctor I was originally linked with when I returned dug up a lot of stuff about my son.

It is bad enough that I don’t have any contact with my son who will be fifteen in June. I think about it enough on my own but this doctor was an asshole when I was explaining why and what happened. He kept cutting me off and made me feel like the situation was my fault. He actually made a comment about how “women always get custody in custody court cases.”

I hate when men or people in general assume this, it is not true when the mother has a mental health disorder and has been hospitalized because of it. I was fucked over by social services, point blank. After the doctors appointment, I went home a cried for three days straight. I’ve been having nightmares and second guessing my past decisions. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2009 but I thought seriously about putting myself in the hospital.

I really don’t want too, I know I would be there for two weeks. That 72 hold if you admit yourself, you can check yourself out in three days is a bunch of bullshit. At least in Buffalo, I think they just tell people that to pacify them. The truth is once you are in there, you can’t leave until they release you.

So I went to the appointment to find out I didn’t even need blood work done. I was able to talk to the director of the program and was able to change doctor’s and get set up with a new counselor. Erin is leaving Friday which I knew, they are supposed to call me this week with who I would be linked with.

As for the doctor, I’m actually going to be seeing a nurse practitioner whom I was linked with years ago and loved. I have an appointment with her at the end of the month, since she us the one who originally diagnosed me with what I am diagnosed with now. I am optimistic that I can get back on the haldol injection which is the only anti psychotic that has worked for me.

When I got home after the appointment, I was relieved and had energy that I haven’t felt in weeks. I am once again looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

I am still having laptop problems, letting it rest a couple days and doing everything from my two phones.