Category Archives: lifestyle

post updates about me

Why I blog and Why I chose the name Mental Affliction

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I originally started blogging in 1998 when I was sixteen years old and a junior in high school, I had been dealing with depression and anxiety since middle school and up to that point I had used writing poetry as an escape. My dad worked for a company that built computers and later he co-owned a local internet provider so we have always had computers in our house, and we have had the internet since 1996. My dad had given me a book on HTML in 1997 and I taught myself the basics and started my own website, blogging by hand. this was before wordpress existed. 

I soon found that expressing myself online was therapy for me, I found people who were as honest and open as me and I made a lot of friends who also owned personal sites or blogs. Many of whom aren’t around anymore. I couldn’t be as open as I was online, at home. My family didn’t believe I had anything mentally wrong with me, I was constantly told that it was all in my head. I had friends but with them I liked to pretend I was normal and have fun with them. Online I could be myself.

I continued to blog until 2009 when my computer crashed and I stopped but only because I had to. In 2014 I bought myself a laptop and I missed owning a personal/blog site so I decided to open Nocturnal Dreams and was happy and hosted for two years until the domain I was hosted at expired and my site went down.

When I moved to thislove.nu I wanted a fresh start with a new name, I chose Mental Affliction. Affliction is a state of grief or suffering. Mental affliction is a state of suffering that is internal. I can not think of better name for this blog, I have been dealing with internal suffering (depression, anxiety, ect) for a long time, I have used unhealthy methods to cope and for now this blog is my outlet just as writing used to be.

I blog because this is my outlet, my place where I can be myself and not be judged.

 

Have to mention

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Please don’t spam my comments with the same comment on every post, if you wish for me to check your website out just mention it in a comment once or direct message it to me via twitter. I will check it out when I have the time, I promise. If you want to exchange links that is fine, you can DM me a msg on twitter or comment on one of my posts.

 

Thank you

Five things I am doing to make my life better in 2018

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I really don’t make new years resolutions instead I make goals and stick to them, This year I am sticking to these five and taking one day at a time.

  1. Buy a planner: I am looking at these three and deciding which one I want to buy. one , two , three . I am indecisive between the first & second one.

 

I have a lot of stuff to keep track of, appointments with different doctors offices being the number one thing. I’d like to start planning meals for the week and also planning out blog posts. Probably going to use it to keep track of which survey company owes me money and who I am doing product tests for. I wish to make my life less stressful and help me get organized.

 

 

  1. Focus on my heath: I need glasses (I think this is the reason I am dizzy and getting so many migraines), I need to get back into mental health services, I’m sick of being in physical pain, ect.

 

I hate going to the doctors but I need to get my heath in order, this year I am going to focus on doing that.

 

  1. Cut people out of my life: I am the queen of chances, I give second, third, fifth, ect chances to people who frankly don’t deserve them.

Some people need to go and not come back.

 

  1. Have a positive attitude

I think this is everything, complaining about things you can’t change is not getting anywhere.

 

  1. Take one day at a time

 

Everything is listed as number one for the simple reason they are all equally important to me.

*May Trigger* Abuse isn’t always physical

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I thought about writing about this issue for a long time as it is a bit of personal experience that I really don’t like talking about online. I had a conversation with a close friend today and it is just a serious issue that people need to stop pushing under the rug. This post may trigger some people.

 

I don’t know how it is in other states but in new york state social services and domestic violence services suck major balls. Hypothetically lets say a women is suffering emotional and/or mental abuse, social services won’t take you seriously unless you have bruises.They will tell you to go home and “deal with it” and when you have bruises…they will help.

The problem with this is..when it leads to physical abuse and said women ends up dead. Everyone yells, why didn’t she go and get help. SHE DID and no one did anything because there weren’t physical signs.

This becomes a bigger problem when said women has a mental health disorder because then she’s just crazy right? and she’s just “making it up, to get attention’ – I’ve been hit with this line before by social workers..

My whole point in this post is stop acting like this isn’t an issue, stop saying it “isn’t abuse unless its physical”. If social workers keep turning these women away when they do end up dead, those same workers are part of the fucking problem.

 

Posts don’t have to be long to make a point, I’ve made mine.

I don’t want your brand of crazy ; ex friends and such

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I am tempted to give this girls name in this post but I don’t use names on this blog for anyone so for this post she will be referred too as crazy girl. I’ve known crazy girl for about four or five years and we used to kick it real hard. After I moved out of the area we both lived in we had a falling out as at the time I had a payee with my disability and she was mad that I refused to make her my payee. I really wanted to be my own and about a year later I became my own. So after we stopped talking and I moved to the upper west side, I got a message on facebook one day from her boyfriend’s page. He had been arrested but I didn’t know that or why because me and her weren’t talking.

I ended up running to her on the bus and she told me he got locked up and why he got locked up. Like a idiot I started hanging out with her again, Crazy girl has a shoplifting problem and she explained to me she was arrested at walmart and was currently going to court to deal with the arrest. So on black friday 2014 I agreed to go to the mall with her because what idiot would shoplift on the one fucking day that they train all retail employees to watch out for shoplifters.

She said she had money and just wanted to look around so I went, we get to the mall and pass some fucking police in the mall and this crazy bitch still fucking shoplifts. Long story short, the police were called and since they were already at the mall..it didn’t take them long to show up. She tells the store manager that I was shoplifting too, I wasn’t. I wasn’t arrested, she was. I was still pissed as that weekend there were pictures of me being questioned by the police floating around social media.

I stopped dealing with her after that, she denies telling the police anything. I have her profile on facebook blocked because she’s nuts, she’s crazy as hell. Today I get on facebook and I have this friend request, my facebook is private and I only have 37 friends whom I know all of them. I don’t add random people on facebook, I either know you or we have mutual friends in common.

I am looking at the name and the picture, SO is sitting next to me and he knows this girl through me. I’m like why is her son trying to be my friend and he asked how old her son is. I told him I think only sixteen or seventeen, I have met both her children and know their names. I know that she wants to get in touch with me, her fb is blocked, her boyfriend is still locked up and I think she wants to stay off of there since she was getting cursed at by his friends.

I screenshot the friend request, denied the request and wrote her a little personal message in public on my facebook page. I don’t care why she wants to talk to me, she’s insane..she needs to leave me alone. Then I am on the phone with BF and I am telling her what happened because BF know’s her and knows how fucking insane she is. BF knows everyone, it’s like walking with a fucking celebrity when we are together in public.

Anyway, I get a call and I sent them to voicemail…I have had the same phone number since 2011 so a lot of people have it but I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t recognize. If its important, then leave a voicemail and I’ll call you back. Whoever it was didn’t leave a voicemail, it was a local number and I am pretty sure it was her.

I am positive she will read this post, so what is next? you going friend request me from your other son’s page or maybe your mom? We will never be friend’s again, grow up…take care of your children and stay the fuck away from me.

 

Inside look at something personal

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The last couple days have been really stressful and I have posted a couple of tweets that ranted to the way I have been feeling. I have a certain friend who thinks that she knows my man & my relationship better then me. I have spoken to her on several occasions and told her I didn’t like that and not to do that. I try to keep my personal life and struggles off of this blog and off of social media for the simple fact that what I am going through another bitch don’t need to know. However I’ve been stressed and I just need to vent.

The first thing is my SO has a drinking problem as far as he blacks out, doesn’t remember doing stuff and it effects our personal relationship, his family & friends. I think what happened last night and the results of that really made him realize that he can’t drink anymore. Some people can’t drink, I am one of those people. Like him I have a temper and when I drink, I don’t think and I will act fist and deal with the aftermath later. I’ve been asked why I don’t drink anymore, this is the reason why.

Now, this friend has made a couple of comments about how my man can handle liquor like she knows him better then I do. I feel like she’s trying to micro manage my relationship and I hate that shit. Anyone whose been around my SO when he was drunk on more then one occasion have told him they think he shouldn’t drink.

I am over this situation, and let me make myself perfectly clear…at this point I am super grateful that as much as I rant about how horrible this building is….everyone minds their own business in here. I am friendly with just about everyone on the floor I am on and have apologized to them.

I wanted to make a generalized post about this situation as I know people in my building visit my blog and my twitter.

Five Things I Love ; Shopping Edition

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I really like shopping in general but I don’t like crowds, loud people, annoying shoppers, little kids (and parents who let them run wild) so I would much rather shop online. I can order whatever I want and get it delivered to my apartment building. Today’s Five Things I love post is the top five websites I use to shop online starting with the one I use the most.

 

Amazon ; For a couple of years I just used Amazon to buy ebooks but then I started using the site to buy actual books after my move where I lost everything (including a lot of books i’ve had since childhood). I bought a bunch hard copies of my favorites and some new authors I enjoyed that I had ebook versions of. In October of 2016 I won an amazon giftcard from a sweepstakes I entered and I got a couple of toys for my nephew’s and Niece’s. From there I started ordering actual items (candy from China), Beauty tools, ect with amazon gift cards or paypal cash I earned from doing surveys.

LaneBryant ; I have to shop here, they are the only store that carries jeans tall enough for me and they carry plus size. I normally don’t buy clothes (jeans) online because if they don’t fit then its a pain to send back for a refund or different pair. I trust them enough to order online and know they will be long enough.

Payless ; They are cheap, always have things on sale and I love shoes. I am always on their website adding things to my wishlist.4

Bath & Body Works ; I have boxes of stuff from here, for awhile I had a shopping problem when it came to this site both online and in the store. I have a body butter addiction and a body spray one too, I have a problem. I like to smell good, sue me.

Rainbow ; I normally shop in store here but I always look at their website to find out what is on sale and what location the product is at.

Five Things I love; Online Edition

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I am trying to come up with original topics to blog about while still keeping my blog somewhat personal, I know a lot of people online today like to make money with their websites but I have my own way of making money and getting things. If you follow me on twitter or have been reading my blog since I was at L0vestrukk.net you know how I get down. So I really like lists which is somewhat weird considering I am very unorganized offline and somewhat messy which drives SO up the wall but online I like to keep my stuff somewhat organized and in folders.

So for today’s Five things I love and Can’t live without post I am going to list products and websites that make my life easier online, for this website and other things.

 

  • Gmail: I have used a lot of companies for email (yahoo,hotpop,hotmail,msn,outlook) but gmail is still my favorite for the simple fact that I can make as many emails as I want. I have several gmail emails, I have my main one which I check daily and I use for surveys, sweepstakes and this site. I have my group/personal one which I use for an RTA group I am in and my book groups on yahoo, I have the one I use strictly for amazon and then I have my misc one that I use for everything else. I hated how gmail groups everything by conversation but I recently figured out how to change that in settings…it’s perfect.

 

  •  Core FTP:  Other FTP programs never seem to work for me so I keep trying them but end up going back to Core. The main reason is it’s 100% FREE. I like free.

 

  • CoffeeCup HTML Editor: I have always written HTML by hand but Notepad annoys me and this program is free also sometimes I make an error (we all do) and CoffeeCup catches it and lets me know.

 

  • Betternet VPN: I have a TV show and Movie addiction and sometimes I use torrents, this program which is also free blocks my IP address so no one can see what I am downloading. It is simply wonderful…

 

  • Canva:    A  lot of bloggers use this site and a lot of writers too, my list wouldn’t be complete would a mention of it. When I used to publish my novels on Wattpad I would use it to make ebook covers for my books. Now I use it to make twitter headers for my profile page. You can make just about any graphic you what using this site…they have a lot of premade things you can use for free and you can play around with text too.

 

That is it for my list of online tools, which online tools can you not live without? Leave your list in the comments.