Category Archives: Personal

Stop pushing my buttons

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I wish people would stop pushing my buttons, the last few days I have been trying so hard not to punch people in the face. Usually I’ll wait until someone hits me first before I hit them, because then it’s self defense and not assault. But they way things have been going the last couple days, I’m just getting more and more pissed off and I am scared that I’m going to get to my breaking point and catch a assault charge.

It’s not often that I get to that point but when I do I act first and worry about the consequences later, my sister has seen me get that mad a couple of times and I’m almost to that point today. This started Wednesday, my best friend and I had dinner with my mom and she brought my Christmas present to dinner. She kept saying things like “you know, I know you wanted a laptop but laptops are very expensive” and “will you be disappointed if it’s not a laptop” so we get drinks from the bar at applebees and order an app, then she gives me the gift. At this point I’m thinking, it’s not a laptop but the gift was big like a laptop box and heavy. So I open it and I see the intel sticker and I have it upside down but she said it wasn’t a laptop and I’m like trying to figure out what it is like not thinking clearly because it’s obviously a laptop, right? so I flip the box over and my moms like “it’s a laptop”. She really had me convinced it wasn’t, so I call my step father who I haven’t spoken to since I took over my own disability money by force in 2016, and I’m like “omg thank you so much” and he said “you’re welcome, enjoy you’re Christmas”, I used to be really close with him before the whole money situation and I want that relationship back but, I don’t know how to go about that. He said some hurtful things to me back then and I was angry so I said some shit back. Like I was my own payee so I had every right to manage my own money and it sucks that I had to go to the bank and lock them out of my account that way but they wouldn’t let me manage my own money and I felt it had to be done.

After dinner, I had a ten dollar starbucks gift card on the app from Crowdtap, so I ask my mom to stop at Starbucks for me and my best friend, so we do but when I go to pull the giftcard up my fucking phone froze and I couldn’t pull it up, so my mom ended up paying so that pissed me off because I don’t like asking her for stuff unless I really need to borrow money for medicine or something and I always pay it back when my money hits my account, I zelle it right back. We get back to the house and we stop at our mutual friend’s apartment to get him because we were going to have a couple of drinks. He said he would be down in a couple of minutes so we went to her apartment and waited. Now he left two pints of liquor at her apartment, this fact will be important later in this post, We waited for him and then he gave me his bottle and I mixed the liquor in my glass of pepsi.

I literally don’t remember what started the arguement, I really don’t and to be honest he doesn’t remember either because before we left and while me and her were at dinner with my mom, he was killing pints apparently. Anyways, He eventually asked her from one of the dinners we ordered from the mission for thanksgiving and he goes to put it in the microwave and all the corn fell out of the dinner and on the floor and he just leaves it there. So because my best friend and I have been friends for 9 years and I consider her family (so does my mom) and I call her my sister, I ask him if he’s going to clean the corn up after he eats and he explodes, like he had an attitude with me even before we went to dinner, like I don’t know what his issue was with me but whatever. So he’s like “Why don’t you clean up the corn” and I said “Because I’m not the one who spilled it on the fucking ground” and he starts just popping off random shit “You can barely make coffee” and “You’re apartment is a mess”, like popping off bullshit at me and I’m just getting madder and madder and honestly I can’t even remember what I was yelling back at him and my sister is yelling at him to stop talking to me like that and then he says some shit that had me ready to knock his ass out of his wheelchair and push that bitch across the room so he couldn’t get back in it, I would never do that of course but I’m not going to lie, I thought about it so I decide I don’t even want the damn drink I made and I decide to bounce and go home. So I dump the drink, grab my pepsi and start to walk to the door, this fucking asshole, gonna roll ahead of me and block the fucking door, again I thought of knocking his ass to the ground because he’s still popping off shit and I’m leaving, why are you blocking my fucking exit and still running your fucking mouth not even making sense because you had like seven pints today and you’re three sheets to the wind.

Finally I get out of there knowing the next day was the first and I had shit to do, so I’m trying to calm down enough to go to sleep so I’m shaking because when I’m pissed I shake and all I want to do is hit something or someone. I of course took my ass inside and got on my new laptop, and I’m like, I’ll just make him at the game and download the extreme violence mod and beat him up in my game. About an hour later, I call my sister (I’m beyond mad still), and I tell her I’m done with him. I ended up staying up all night downloading mods and CC, and by morning when I went to her house for coffee I decide to forgive him and invite him to come with us to do our errands.

He meets us at her apartment, so we let a couple busses pass and we ended up not leaving until 1pm and I’m thinking, good, the kids will be off the bus by the time we head back home. So we head downtown and hit the bank, I hit the atm and she had to talk to someone about closing an account and getting a pin for her new account, so I pull the money and have a seat in the bank with him to wait for her. So I’m separating my money into different pockets in my wallet so I don’t dip in to money I need for cigarettes for something else, so I’m counting my money and some random man walks up on me and he’s like “Can you help me out?” how the fuck you gonna be in the bank begging me for money, there’s a reason I did it in the bank and not outside, I was trying to avoid people asking me for money. TF, so I’m like seriously? I tell the man “Hell the fuck no”, I was rude about it to then I start talking shit to my friend like wtf. So now I’m annoyed, we go get pizza at the slice shop and I kill both slices which never happens because their slices are huge.

We go to the reservation and we were like freezing at that point, like ready to go home. I planned on going to treat the three of us to starbucks because I have that giftcard but said fuck it and got us dunkin donuts. Four donuts was six dollars, like no lie, wtf dunkin, your donuts not even that good to be charging that much for four donuts. Anyways, paid the the six dollars and got me and her frozen hot chocolates and we head to the bus to get to the bus to take us home.

We get off the 16 and theres a fucking 20, our bus, passing us so our friend was like I’ll make sure the bus waits, and like takes off in his wheelchair, almost got hit by a car and stops in front of our bus like a crazy person, lmao, so when me and her get on the bus, I point to him and say “he’s with us”. We stop at the liquor store and I grab a bottle of my E&J apple and then my man, my fwb, I don’t know what we are is blowing up my phone and he wants me to meet him at my apartment, so I tell them I’ll see them later and go home.

This is the point where people kept pushing my buttons, He gets to my house and all he wants to do is argue, he’s asking me the same question over and over and then when I answered, he’s like “You’re lying” and “you’re just mad because you got caught” and I’m like CAUGHT DOING WHAT, LYING ABOUT WHAT? and then he goes to the store and takes my keys and by this point hes three sheets to the wind because his ass can’t handle his fucking liquor and refusing to give me my keys and he kept hanging up on me and yelling at me and at this point I just want my keys and I’m freaking out because my building doesn’t have a front door key, it as a fob and it’s like 50 dollars just to replace that and I don’t have the money to replace my keys because psycho over here is holding my keys hostage.

So I’m getting madder and madder, so I call my sister because she’s holding on to my liquor because FWB will drink it like my ex, they just take my shit. Anyways, I call her and I’m like, well I need you to pour some of my E&J in a soda bottle and bring it to me, so she does. I pour me some, bottle is half full, put it in my freezer right. Then I call her back because we were supposed to make dinner together but I don’t have my keys, so we resechduled for tonight. Anyways, he pops up still refusing to give me my keys asking me the same question over and over, apparently not listening to my answer, cause he’s been drinking all day. Then he sits next to me, so I just go in has pants pocket and take my keys back and I hold them because he is never getting my keys ever again after the shit he pulled last night. Fuck That.

Meanwhile he’s asking the same question over and over, and I’m getting more pissed off by the second and I’m getting closer and closer to my breaking point because all he ever wants to do is argue. I ended a ten year fucking relationship like that, He likes to push my buttons, he keeps on pushing them im going to get to the point where we gonna be in a alleration, there’s going to be some violence going down. I gave my ex a black eye once for him putting his hands on me, like don’t do that, I’ll hit your ass back. Fuck that.

The this morning, I get up and I go to my sisters and I’m still ready to put my hands on her and our mutual friend. So last night, I gave her my bottle cause FWB or whatever would drink it if I had it here, she told me it wouldn’t be touched, she and mutual friend DRANK MY FUCKING E&J, it took everything in me not to punch her ass, when I tell you, IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO HIT HER. DEAD FUCKING ASS and wait until I get my hands on him. They both have my main number, fuck that, she has both my numbers all she had to do was call me but no, they just drank my shit like fuck Jolene. It’s always fuck Jolene, people think I should just let them take my shit. THIS ISN”T A FREEBIE ZONE, I’m constantly hit up for money like i’m a fucking atm, cigarettes , FWB just takes my liquor that half bottle I have in the freezer, he didn’t leave me enough to have a decent drink. He brought a 40 and a bottle of vodka to my house, but wants to drink my liquor BUT WON”T SHARE HIS.

Then my sister has an appointment but after she’s going to replace my bottle when the real person who should replace it is our fucking mutual friend who I bought fucking pizza for, who I don’t just drink his liquor he leaves at her house but you know what maybe I should, maybe I should just help myself and say I’ll replace it and let my fucking sister replace it. So anyways I walk her downstaris and someone asks me for a cigarette and I’m already mad so real rude, I’m like SUPPORT YOUR OWN FUCKING HABIT and he’s like I’ll buy it, I DONT FUCKING SELL CIGARETTES and I am so fucking sick of supporting peoples habits, their liquor habits, their food habits, their cigarette habits, being hit up for money every fucking day, GET A FUCKING JOB. I can’r tell you how many bottles that FWB owes me and my sister that we still haven’t gotten.

To top this all off, I accidently pushed my dresser drawer that I have my cigarettes in to far and now it won’t fucking open, I’m done with everything today.

WTF

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So management sent a letter out on Saturday morning about what transpired on Friday night with the security guard key situation. Someone who lives in this building as the master keys of everyones apartment, so they were going to change everyones locks and issue new keys. The locksmith is here and changing my lock, so I ask him do I get my new key from him or management. simple question, right. He tells me that the old keys will still work. Huh?!? What?:?

That doesn’t make any fucking sense, if the old keys still will work then why change the fucking locks at all. if the old keys still work then the person with the fucking master key can still get in my apartment. I can’t with this building logic.

This Building is worse than PBA

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So there was some drama last night involving the master keys, we have different security guards on site at night like four days a week. So my sister (BF) and I have been hanging out with this guy we met that lives on her floor just drinking, talking, teaching him how to play Rummy and listening to music. He’s even been watching general hospital with her. My FWB doesn’t like him, to be fair, he really doesn’t like anyone. And I really don’t know who to believe when it comes to this situation.

Anyways, last night I went to her apartment and we were talking and listening to music, I was on my phone on a dating app matching with different people. I showed him a couple of pictures of women I matched with and we were just chilling. Stacey made me a soda and E&J combo from her flask that I forgot she had and we also killed a bottle of wine between the three of us. Then he said he was going to run to the store to get some beer and my sister and I a can of twisted tea.

So he’s gone about twenty minutes, he comes back and tells us how the security guard from our building was at the store fighting with some girl whose not allowed in the building and supposedly has warrants out (she didn’t), the police were called and he was like in the middle of it. Anyways the security guard that was on last night dropped her keys in the store and he picked them up not knowing they were hers (according to him) then he came back, we drinking and he’s on the phone then we started our game of rummy and got through only two hands.

At 2am, my FWB calls me wanting to know if this neighbor is around and if I had seen him, because security was looking for him and came up to FWB door. So I’m like “yeah, why? We are playing cards at my sisters” so he gets mad and hangs up on me. So I’m kinda upset but trying to hide it, then about ten minutes later security at my sister’s door yelling at him through the door her keys, the master keys and he said he gave them to another neighbor because he thought they were the other neighbors. I heard some other shit today, but we’ll get into that later.

So he goes out to talk to her and he’s gone for a while, meanwhile my stomach is starting to hurt from mixing the spiked Pepsi with E&J, the wine and the twisted tea so I’m thinking about going home. He finally comes back and he’s pissed because he said that management was there, the cops were there and the security guard was accusing him of stealing her keys. He ends up going back downstaris, even though my sister was telling him to stay.

About twenty minutes after He left, I went home and texted my sister that I was safe. I took my meds, read a little bit then went to bed around three. Around five, someone blowing up my door ; ringing my doorbell and knocking. I answer the door mad as hell, like who the fuck at my door and it’s him. He has the audacity to accuse me of stealing his tablet. I’m stuck cause I thought he was a cool dude but I don’t need to steal anyone’s shit, I have a kindle fire, I have two laptops, I have a smart TV and I have two phones, why I need to steal anyone’s shit. I’m like dude, I ain’t take your shit and I’m sleeping like, either you took it with you outside or it’s still at my sisters.

So he bounce and I go back to sleep and wake up at nine, I go to my sisters for coffee and we just talking and I get up to throw something out in her garbage can and get really dizzy. I try to put my hand on the wall for support and I just end up falling backwards. I came home then FWB call mad at me still over last night, telling me that apparently the neighbor went in my sisters next door neighbor’s apartment, like let himself in with the master keys and she called her son and her nephews to handle him, like I don’t even know what to say, and that him and the neighbor were arguing about it in the lobby.

Then we get a letter that management is changing locks on everyone’s apartments today and that security will be on 24/7 until this issue is resolved. I have no words, I thought dude was cool but like FWB has lived here for three years and I trust him more.

Always some drama happening.

Update on my life

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So I’ve moved into a new apartment in August, it’s a lot bigger then my old apartment although it is also a studio. A month after I moved I’m they renovated my apartment and put me up in a hotel for three weeks as well as gave me money for transportation and food. The new renovations look really good, they are working on the last few apartments on every floor now (there are 12 floors, I’m on 6). They are also renovatioing the hallways too.

I’ve been dealing with a lot, I’m struggling with some stuff mentally and it’s been really hard to concentrate lately. I signed up for a couple of interesting courses through Coursera and it’s been helping keep my mind off things. I am keeping my mental health appointments through zoom although the office I go to tried to force me to come in person. My therapist appointments are via zoom so I didn’t understand why my psychiatrist appointments couldn’t be.

I contacted my case manager and had her advocate for me, and now I have all zoom appointments except for my injection which is in person. My mom and I are going out to dinner once a month again and we will probably go next week. We went to Applebee’s last month and I updated her on everything. I don’t remember if I blogged about why I moved so I’ll recap.

I got in altercation with some neighbors in my old building why I was off my meds and I was basically sent to the hospital. I stayed for two weeks before I was released. A couple of weeks after I got out, two neighbors were fighting in the hallway and decided it would be a great idea to try to kick my door in. I called the cops several times and they said they couldn’t do anything even though one of the times they caught the person in action.

The next day I packed a bag and went to Ds mom’s house where I basically lived for 8 months until I found this apartment. The rent is higher here but I can manage. A month after I moved in, D’s mom got new furniture and gave me her old set (a sectional, a couch and a love seat), I wouldn’t been able to fit all of it into my old apartment.

I had to do a recovery on my laptop to fix the issue that I couldn’t play the sims. I can play now. Im so sorry I haven’t been blogging more often. I’ll probably blog once a week from now on.

Self care and stuff

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So it’s been awhile since I blogged, I’ve been so stressed out over finding an apartment. I definitely need my own space again. Well I’ve found one and was just waiting for the background and credit check to go through.

Yesterday I got the call, I was approved for the apartment. Now I just have to wait for BMHA who I get section 8 through to inspect and approve my voucher. I also have to apply for a security agreement through social services.

I’ve been doing a lot of self care and self growth recently. I want to get back into skincare but I think I’m going to wait until I’m in my own some again. It’s been stressful here.

Hopefully I can get back into blogging more regularly.

Five more things you’d be surprised to learn about me

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I hate talking on the phone and would rather text

I get really nervous and quiet on the phone, I never know what to say and often get tongue tied. Please just text me.

 

I hate getting my picture taken

I also hate taking my own picture, I think I look weird in pictures

I hate being stared at

It’s rude, open your mouth and talk

I hate when people assume I’m mean because of how I look

That’s just my face

 

Finally when people on the bus don’t give up their seats for the elderly or disabled

 

I will say something, that’s rude as hell

 

When I almost lost my eye /// The personal Series

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I was bullied a lot as a kid and this was one of many physical altercations I had to endure. I was in the fifth grade, so that would have probably made me nine years old. I was walking towards  my aunts house with a friend and didn’t even see the fucking pinecone flying at my eye. The person threw it hard, when it hit my eye it went to darkness and I fell to the ground. My friend ran off to get help and someone helped me into my aunts house. I was told my eye was bleeding and I was crying as it hurt bad.

There were witnesses outside when it happened and we were told who threw the acorn, an eighteen year old who lived in a house across the street from my aunt. My parents were called, my mom took me to the eye doctor who took most of the pinecone pieces from my eye but not all.

To this day my right eye is still a little blurry, and people wonder why i’m diagnosed with ptsd.

Psycho Landlord // The Personal Series

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This happened in 2015, I’ve spoken about this before but really didn’t dive into the entire story in full. Before moving into this crazy bitches, we will call her Penny, house, I was living with roommates on the upper west side and was waiting for housing I had applied for. I figured I would just do the roommate thing again for a few months until my name came up on the housing list, even though I was really sick of living with roommates and wanted to live on my own.

I found this room on craigslist I believe and viewed the room with my mom & stepfather, I met the landlord and viewed the house/room which was fully furnished. The house was meant for college students but explained to the landlord that I was not a student and was on disability. I also explained that I was waiting for an apartment and only needed the room until then. The landlord agreed and I signed the lease.

I moved in on May 28th, 2015 and was the only one living there until the end of July, things were okay at first, I spoke to the girls that were moving in, in august through text messages. Lets just say things didn’t stay okay. In mid July, I noticed bites on my legs and went to the doctors office and was told they were bed bugs.

I was pissed and contacted the landlord to take care of the problem, like I said the room was furnished and I wasn’t able to use my own bed. Penny accused of me bringing them in which I knew I hadn’t as I lived two other places before moving in and hadn’t had a problem. She wanted my mom to pay to get the house sprayed which she refused. Needless to say the problem was taken care of but things went down hill from there.

As you know, I suffer from some mental disorders and I have always been honest and blunt online about what I suffer from. One of the new girls moving in, looked me up online and didn’t want to move in because of what I was honest about on my about.me profile. The landlord demanded I take my profile down and calm this little bitch down, which I did but I felt like I should be ashamed and I was pretty angry about it.

I found out there were talks and texts about me among the other girls, after everyone moved in, in August. I no longer wanted to be there, I left every day and stayed gone all day. I wanted out and I really didn’t feel safe, I felt like I was living in a nightmare. Things kept getting worse as the days passed.

Finally the landlord wanted to evict me, but she didn’t have the grounds. I agreed to leave because I wanted out, when she couldn’t evict me, she assaulted me and had me arrested by claiming I threw her down the stairs and using my mental disorder against me.

I hope her bitch ass rots in hell.

I’m lost

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I got into a fight with my SIL last week in which I basically told her to get the fuck out of my house, she brought the drama in to my drama free zone and I didn’t like that so I told her she had to go.

The sims seasons just came out and I want it bad, on Payday after I pay my bills it’s the first thing I am going to buy. Im taking out my mods and cc and going to play with very little cc and zero mods for awhile.

I haven’t felt like blogging or really being on the computer. its hot and its been miserable so I;ve been sleeping a lot to try and stay cool. Hope everyone understands,

Don’t take my kindness for weakness >> The Personal Series

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I’ve had my kindness and my willing to help people taken advantage of a lot but none more then by a women I will call C, I met C while I was on the bus…I was sitting in front of her and I overheard her say something like she had a ton of laundry to do and didn’t have the money. I had extra money so I gave her money so she could do her daughters laundry…she cried and we exchanged numbers.

She told me she was pregnant with her second child and we hung out some and I got to meet her daughter. Then I went to facebook and my friends & family and asked if anyone had baby clothes or things they didn’t need so I could help this women, her daughter and her unborn child. My SIL had some stuff and I made plans to go and pick it up, I bought her daughter a coat, diapers, clothes and spent over 200.00 for a child that wasn’t mine.

Then my SIL said she wanted to give the baby stuff to her husbands sister, when I told C, she flipped and asked why “I pretended to want to help her” BITCH seriously??? I ended up blocking her and haven’t spoken to her since.