Category Archives: Health

Five things I wish everyone understood ; Living with panic disorder

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Honestly there are way more then five things but for this post I will keep it at five. I have been a sufferer of panic attacks since before I knew what they were. I was very young when I had my first one, by the time I was in highschool I was having them on a daily basis. I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder in my early twenties. The lack of education on mental health disorders is why so many people suffer alone, believing they are alone.

– I can’t just get over it:  When I am having a panic attack in public, it feels like the walls are closing in, like there isn’t enough oxygen on the planet. Unless I get away from wherever I am..I can not calm myself down. For me suffering from panic attacks is completely debilitating, at one point I was completely housebound and diagnosed with agoraphobia. Telling me to get over it, is like telling someone with a broken leg to get up and walk.

– Leaving my apartment is a Daily struggle:  I have in the past cancelled important doctors appointments just because I had a bad panic attack about getting on public transportation.

– I am not lazy/unmotivated/making it up:  Sometimes I wish the average person who says these things can spend a day in my shoes. It would be nice if people would try to understand but most only believe what they can see. Also people are ignorant assholes.

– irrational fears are a Daily struggle: I constantly look at the ground when I walk, I have fears about falling on the sidewalk, down the stairs, getting hit by a car. I have fears about being in a fire so I check multiple times that everything is off..that the door is locked. The fears aren’t limited to myself, they involve my family,friends and sometimes people I don’t even know.

_ It sometimes takes me hours to relax enough to sleep:  My SO falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, I envy people like him. I lay in bed for hours over analyzing past decisions, why I’m still alive, if I will still be alive in three years when my son turns eighteen. By the time I finally drift off to sleep, it’s usually close to five in the morning.

There are so many more things that I wish people would get. If you don’t know what it’s like then at least keep an open mind when someone tries to explain.

 

 

Can breathe once again

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I was supposed to have blood work done yesterday, I also wanted to change psychiatrists. I haven’t been sleeping, my anxiety is through the roof and I’ve been having a lot of hallucinations. The doctor I was originally linked with when I returned dug up a lot of stuff about my son.

It is bad enough that I don’t have any contact with my son who will be fifteen in June. I think about it enough on my own but this doctor was an asshole when I was explaining why and what happened. He kept cutting me off and made me feel like the situation was my fault. He actually made a comment about how “women always get custody in custody court cases.”

I hate when men or people in general assume this, it is not true when the mother has a mental health disorder and has been hospitalized because of it. I was fucked over by social services, point blank. After the doctors appointment, I went home a cried for three days straight. I’ve been having nightmares and second guessing my past decisions. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2009 but I thought seriously about putting myself in the hospital.

I really don’t want too, I know I would be there for two weeks. That 72 hold if you admit yourself, you can check yourself out in three days is a bunch of bullshit. At least in Buffalo, I think they just tell people that to pacify them. The truth is once you are in there, you can’t leave until they release you.

So I went to the appointment to find out I didn’t even need blood work done. I was able to talk to the director of the program and was able to change doctor’s and get set up with a new counselor. Erin is leaving Friday which I knew, they are supposed to call me this week with who I would be linked with.

 

As for the doctor, I’m actually going to be seeing a nurse practitioner whom I was linked with years ago and loved. I have an appointment with her at the end of the month, since she us the one who originally diagnosed me with what I am diagnosed with now. I am optimistic that I can get back on the haldol injection which is the only anti psychotic that has worked for me.

When I got home after the appointment, I was relieved and had energy that I haven’t felt in weeks. I am once again looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

 

I am still having laptop problems, letting it rest a couple days and doing everything from my two phones.

 

 

 

 

 

Why I blog and Why I chose the name Mental Affliction

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I originally started blogging in 1998 when I was sixteen years old and a junior in high school, I had been dealing with depression and anxiety since middle school and up to that point I had used writing poetry as an escape. My dad worked for a company that built computers and later he co-owned a local internet provider so we have always had computers in our house, and we have had the internet since 1996. My dad had given me a book on HTML in 1997 and I taught myself the basics and started my own website, blogging by hand. this was before wordpress existed. 

I soon found that expressing myself online was therapy for me, I found people who were as honest and open as me and I made a lot of friends who also owned personal sites or blogs. Many of whom aren’t around anymore. I couldn’t be as open as I was online, at home. My family didn’t believe I had anything mentally wrong with me, I was constantly told that it was all in my head. I had friends but with them I liked to pretend I was normal and have fun with them. Online I could be myself.

I continued to blog until 2009 when my computer crashed and I stopped but only because I had to. In 2014 I bought myself a laptop and I missed owning a personal/blog site so I decided to open Nocturnal Dreams and was happy and hosted for two years until the domain I was hosted at expired and my site went down.

When I moved to thislove.nu I wanted a fresh start with a new name, I chose Mental Affliction. Affliction is a state of grief or suffering. Mental affliction is a state of suffering that is internal. I can not think of better name for this blog, I have been dealing with internal suffering (depression, anxiety, ect) for a long time, I have used unhealthy methods to cope and for now this blog is my outlet just as writing used to be.

I blog because this is my outlet, my place where I can be myself and not be judged.

 

Five things I am doing to make my life better in 2018

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I really don’t make new years resolutions instead I make goals and stick to them, This year I am sticking to these five and taking one day at a time.

  1. Buy a planner: I am looking at these three and deciding which one I want to buy. one , two , three . I am indecisive between the first & second one.

 

I have a lot of stuff to keep track of, appointments with different doctors offices being the number one thing. I’d like to start planning meals for the week and also planning out blog posts. Probably going to use it to keep track of which survey company owes me money and who I am doing product tests for. I wish to make my life less stressful and help me get organized.

 

 

  1. Focus on my heath: I need glasses (I think this is the reason I am dizzy and getting so many migraines), I need to get back into mental health services, I’m sick of being in physical pain, ect.

 

I hate going to the doctors but I need to get my heath in order, this year I am going to focus on doing that.

 

  1. Cut people out of my life: I am the queen of chances, I give second, third, fifth, ect chances to people who frankly don’t deserve them.

Some people need to go and not come back.

 

  1. Have a positive attitude

I think this is everything, complaining about things you can’t change is not getting anywhere.

 

  1. Take one day at a time

 

Everything is listed as number one for the simple reason they are all equally important to me.

Sims 4 & Health Stuff

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Today is my SO’s birthday and we probably aren’t doing anything because I feel like shit…yeah still. I don’t have the upper respiratory infection anymore but now I am having bad stomach pain. So I have been pretty much doubled over in pain..can’t sleep, can barely eat and am miserable which is pretty much what my life was like seven years ago for three months straight…doctors ran lots of tests and everything turned up fine..who knows.

Anyway before the november seventh update broke all the mods in the sims 4, I had the wicked whims mod installed (not for anyone below 18) and I am pretty sure it was this mod that did this to my toddlers made in CAS (as it wasn’t happening before)…. 

 

 

They all had glowing eyes, like hers: she looks like a baby demon, wtf.  Some had glowing red eyes like hers, some glowed yellow and some glowed blue….like my game was possessed.  It only happened with the toddlers made in CAS though…not the adults.

 

Then I figured out the new update broke wicked whims and other mods when CAS would open but wouldn’t let me do anything so I just removed them all for now…until they get updated.

Not really doing anything today, watched Jeepers Creepers three on Tuesday night, yeah not scary. SO and I thought it was really dumb and everyone we’ve talked too thought the same. Really sucks because we were both looking forward to the movie and they could have made it not come out until next year around Halloween and made it…idk better.

Not feeling 100%

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I’m really sick and I haven’t felt like being on the computer doing anything other then binge watching and I’m proud to say I am almost caught up on The Big Bang Theory….I just finished season ten.

I have been leaving my phone on silent and haven’t really been leaving my apartment, The main reason is I don’t want to get anyone sick with whatever I am sick with. I’d put money on it’s probably an upper respiratory infection.

Anyway, I am drinking tea that my wonderful SO bought me today and wishing I could breathe so I can go back to sleep.

Good Morning Plus Freebies

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I got called by toys r us yesterday, they are having group interviews on Thursday so I have an interview Thursday evening. I’d be much more excited about this if I wasn’t sick and didn’t feel like shit. The job is seasonal but I wasn’t expecting to be pulled in for an interview this soon.

ToastyEgg has a ton of sweepstakes going on, She posts sweepstakes that are off site but she also has ones that she does, you can enter daily and you will be signed up for her newsletter but its worth it for a sweepstake entry.

Today is sample day over at PinchMe , samples go live at noon so if you aren’t signed up I suggest you do so before noon est. Also login to the site before noon and see if you have samples (and claim them) ASAP, it says sample day runs until 3PM but it runs until they run out of samples.

Also I got an email this morning from SampleSource that they will be having samples soon, so sign up for them as well.

I took pictures of my goodie box yesterday, the post will be up later today. If there wasn’t a time I needed these companies to send me my money via paypal it’s today. I want to get sugar (drinking coffee without sugar is doable but not ideal and I need some cough medicine).

I will be alright

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Back in February Social Security sent me a letter that my case was up for review and I have been stressing out since then. I finally got their decision yesterday and SS feels I am no longer disabled. I will be appealing but I am not going to stress myself out over it. If I have to work, I have to work…that’s life if I want to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. It is what it is.

With all the BS I am going through lately living in the apartment building from hell this letter in the mail yesterday momentary sent me into panic mode and tears. I have only been in a relationship (off and on) with my current SO for four years so he didn’t know me years ago when my panic disorder/attacks were really bad.

In the past he has made comments how I should stop letting my mom tell me I can’t work and this and that. The thing is My mom wasn’t telling me anything, I had experiences ten years ago that got me to the point where I felt that I should apply for disability. Originally my doctors wanted me to apply for it back in 2004 but I fought it and them for two years until I felt I needed to apply.

Every time I tried in the past to explain panic disorder & PTSD with him he didn’t want to hear it so eventually I just stopped trying.

Today I was expecting support and at first he said it will be okay and then he started telling me what I need to do and what I should do. I don’t like that, I am a grown women and just because I haven’t worked in seven years doesn’t mean I haven’t worked period.

Then he hits me with: You don’t have to work, just let me work and take care of you

Nope, Stop. In the past when I was in my twenties I was in such a relationship and it was a controlling one where He felt he was making all the money so in turn I should let him tell me what to do. The situation involved my son but I still lost friends including my BF I had known since I was fourteen.

In short I will never put myself in a situation where I have to depend on another human (male or female) ever again. There are things in everyone’s past that teaches them about people and their own lives and this was one of mine.

At the end of the day, I can only trust myself & God to get me through a bad situation. I’ve had a lot of friends and people in the past tell me I will always be there for you which was a load of crap because none of those people are here anymore.