I’m sitting here waiting for ACT to deliver my medicine and possibly give me my injection and it snowed this morning. I’m bored and I’m trying to find ways to entertain myself.
I promised a entry every day, so here is day two. I have no plans for the day and I really want some coffee but can’t get any. 😔
Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore, my dude and I have been fighting every day, it’s always about dumb shit, it starts as soon as I wake up and doesn’t end until I go to bed. We were fighting really bad yesterday and I ended up cutting. I struggle with self harm and have been since I was 11 years old. I even asked my sister if I could spend a couple of nights at her house and at first she told me no. I was like WTF, and I think she’s hooking up with old dude again and thats why she doesn’t want me there.I mean honestly I’d let her stay with me so I don’t know why she wouldn’t do the same. Then she was like yeah but you can’t live with me again. I was like no one said anything about living with you, I just wants to stay a couple nights thats it.
Then some dude that lives in the apartment above mine threatened me over the phone this morning, He also threanted stacey a couple months ago. He tells females he will beat their ass but won’t tell a man that.
So I am hiding out at my sisters house, I’m taking a vacation here because my current ex won’t come here. On Wednesday, he held me in my apartment while he was drunk. He shoved me in my apartment when I was opening my door and then preceded to tell me that I’m a dumbass bitch and hes got all these bitches and I’m ugly and he would never commit to me and just all this stuff and all I wanted was for him to leave and leave me alone. He hit me on my back a couple of times which I have bruises from and he slapped me twice. Then finally he left and I laid in my bed and tried to sleep but my PTSD was fucking with me because I was having flashbacks of my ex ex choking me and trying to kill me so I packed a bag and came downstairs to my sisters apartment because he hates her and won’t come here. He kept saying that he Loves me but bullshit, if you loved me you wouldn’t hit me and cheat on me. I’ve been at my sisters since and we ran into him later and he acted like he didn’t break my heart.
So, My sister is the type of person that anyone verbalizing their feelings to her gets her on the defenisive immediately and me having a ton of mental health issues, don’t know how to emotionally deal with that on a daily basis. So I, being me, tend to bottle things up and her being, her doesn’t get that so when I have had enough aka reached my breaking point and it all spills out she just gets defensive and starts asking me whats wrong like she didn’t do anything to make me mad. Now that you have an understanding of this, here we go.
So my sister gave me for Christmas one year a reuseble fliter for my coffee machine and she had one herself and all was good. Then she moved and it didn’t make it to her apartment so now she no longer has one and instead of buying another reusable fliter she bought coffee fliters and is now out of them. Then last week she broke her ankle and can’t go anywhere because she’s in a cast that can’t get wet, and we are taking public transportation and it’s winter so there’s snow.
So we are now sharing mine and I had instant coffee but she wanted that, now she doesn’t understand that if she has both the instant coffee and my fliter, I can not make coffee at my home. And shes being defensive towards me because I want me fliter. and I woke up in arthrits hell and my legs may or may not have given out about four or five times today and it’s not all about the fliter at this point.
She wants me to do her laundry, when she can do her own laundry because it’s inside the building and she’s in a walking cast and has a boot and shes basically throwing in my face that I should just yes her to death because her ankle is broken. oh and I came over to share my fliter and to see if she needed anything and she wants me to clean her house and next week she wants me to stop at four different stores because she can’t and while I didn’t break my ankle it’s like she forgets I’m in pain and my legs give out on me and I need to clean my own house and do my own laundry and she has other people she can call and I’m so stressed and I basically just knocked on her door and took my fliter while also yelling she couldn’t have the fliter and the instant coffee. Then I told her to do her own laundry because I was in pain.
Can you tell I’m at my breaking point? also if things weren’t bad enough I can’t update my site at the moment and I can’t go see Scream six because my sister can’t go with me and I don[t want to go by myself.”
So Im not sure if I am manic but I only got three hours of sleep last night and besides being in pain, I feel okay. I did take a couple of my sleeping medication to see if I can take a little nap though, My whole body hurts and I’ve felt this way since Wednesday. I don’t know what I did, it just seems like I have arthritis in more places then my knees. I’m thinking about finding a new orthopedic, She has me on Meloxicam which is an anti-inflammatory, but she never gives me refills, ever. My sister is on a lower dose of the same med and she gets refills, I’m thinking about going where she goes or back to dent because I have to see a neurologist too.
I ended up canceling my therapist appointment and my injection last week, I had some kind of 24hr bug and cases are going back up here, my doctors office doesn’t want you to come in if you are sick. I had a doctors appointment that week but I was able to do that over the phone, and she ended up giving me a higher dose of my anti psychotic, so we will see if that helps with the mania. I have been on every med under the sun and the only one I refuse to take is Lithium, I had a roommate that was on it and she ended up in the hospital for four months because it made her really sick.
Last night, I had dinner at my sisters and her friend got me a pint of E&J Apple, we walked to the store and when we got back, I could tell that he was about to start shit with me so I left. I came home and didn’t go to sleep until Five this morning and then was up by Eight.
I have been downloading a lot of games, and reading about Serial killers and missing people on Wikipedia. I had brunch with my sister, just oatmeal and bacon. Then I told her that if I didn’t call her by 8pm to eat without me and I’d cook us dinner tomorrow. We share meals, a lot and take turns cooking.
I feel like I don’t have much to say these days, I can’t believe I’ve had this blog since 2017. I’m going to start planning out blogs again when I find my planner and maybe get back into doing giveaways.
So I know I’ve been complaining about this the last couple of posts, but it doesn’t say FREEBIE ZONE on my forehead. I have been talking to someone new for about two weeks and in that time he has asked me to borrow Ten dollars, which I told him no and today he asked me to order him a sub. Like he’s the one with a job and he lives with his mom. Like, we aren’t in a relationship and even if we were, I want someone to buy me stuff not me take care of them. He’s also hitting my sister up for joints when it’s not her job to support his habits either.
My latest Ex, keeps coming to my door saying he wants to talk, but as far as I am concerned, we don’t have anything to talk about. He slapped me and I’m not forgiving him for that, we will not be getting back together. I am not putting up with abuse anymore, besides our relationship was toxic as hell anyways.
I am on a dating app and getting messages from both men and women, I am bisexual, I don’t think I’ve mentioned on here. I am not looking to rush into anything serious right now because I am keeping my options open.
I have been getting a lot of follows on Instagram lately, I don’t know if it’s coming from here or the dating app that I have insta connected to. I have an appointment with my new therapist tomorrow and I’m trying to decide what I want to tell her and how much I want to vent.
So I’ve moved into a new apartment in August, it’s a lot bigger then my old apartment although it is also a studio. A month after I moved I’m they renovated my apartment and put me up in a hotel for three weeks as well as gave me money for transportation and food. The new renovations look really good, they are working on the last few apartments on every floor now (there are 12 floors, I’m on 6). They are also renovatioing the hallways too.
I’ve been dealing with a lot, I’m struggling with some stuff mentally and it’s been really hard to concentrate lately. I signed up for a couple of interesting courses through Coursera and it’s been helping keep my mind off things. I am keeping my mental health appointments through zoom although the office I go to tried to force me to come in person. My therapist appointments are via zoom so I didn’t understand why my psychiatrist appointments couldn’t be.
I contacted my case manager and had her advocate for me, and now I have all zoom appointments except for my injection which is in person. My mom and I are going out to dinner once a month again and we will probably go next week. We went to Applebee’s last month and I updated her on everything. I don’t remember if I blogged about why I moved so I’ll recap.
I got in altercation with some neighbors in my old building why I was off my meds and I was basically sent to the hospital. I stayed for two weeks before I was released. A couple of weeks after I got out, two neighbors were fighting in the hallway and decided it would be a great idea to try to kick my door in. I called the cops several times and they said they couldn’t do anything even though one of the times they caught the person in action.
The next day I packed a bag and went to Ds mom’s house where I basically lived for 8 months until I found this apartment. The rent is higher here but I can manage. A month after I moved in, D’s mom got new furniture and gave me her old set (a sectional, a couch and a love seat), I wouldn’t been able to fit all of it into my old apartment.
I had to do a recovery on my laptop to fix the issue that I couldn’t play the sims. I can play now. Im so sorry I haven’t been blogging more often. I’ll probably blog once a week from now on.
I got into a fight with my SIL last week in which I basically told her to get the fuck out of my house, she brought the drama in to my drama free zone and I didn’t like that so I told her she had to go.
The sims seasons just came out and I want it bad, on Payday after I pay my bills it’s the first thing I am going to buy. Im taking out my mods and cc and going to play with very little cc and zero mods for awhile.
I haven’t felt like blogging or really being on the computer. its hot and its been miserable so I;ve been sleeping a lot to try and stay cool. Hope everyone understands,
I have been dealing with a respiratory infection for the past two weeks which has made it extremely difficult for me to be on the computer for long periods of time doing anything more then checking email. I have been sleeping a lot, doing a lot of breathing treatments and binge watching tv shows, movies and reading.
The up and down weather and all the rain has also left me in a lot of pain, my knees have been bothering me something fierce. I can make promises about blogging more but honestly I never know what I will be doing or what will come up so I won’t bother. If you subscribe to updates via email, you will get my entries in your email..otherwise keep checking my social media, Links get shared every time I post.
Now that it is warmer outside I want to get outside and do some walking, I gained a bit of weight over the winter and i’m not happy with myself. It’s more painful the heavier I am on my knees and harder for me to breathe. I also want to quit smoking and be smoke free by August.
I have been up all night, this is so normal for me and I can’t stand it. My SO is trying to control my coffee intake when coffee has never had any effect on me. My brain won’t shut off, that is the problem.
My doctor put me on the same sleeping pill and same dosage as she had me on back in twenty thirteen when I was seeing her. Afterwards my PCP was prescribing it and the major issue is…my body is used to it now. Medication is weird like that…what works for one won’t work for another and your body can get used to medication.
I have an appointment with her on Friday so I will let her know then, my doctor is pretty cool so I don’t think it will be a problem upping the dosage or trying a new med. I’m also stressed out, my court date is Tuesday.
I don’t have a lawyer because legal aid sucks..I called them back in October when I first appealed and they told me to call back when I got a court date. Then two weeks ago when social security set a court date, now they can’t help me because there is no time…uh make up your mind, for real.
So fuck it, it is what it is. I’ll have my doctor give me some paperwork stating my diagnoses and what medication she has me on and answer the questions the judge asks. It’s Wednesday and my court date is Tuesday, I know how I feel better then anyone. Hopefully it will be okay.
If worst comes to worst someone from target contacted me about some job that pays weekly plus commission via my indeed account. Social security can’t cut me off without notice so I will be able to pay my rent in April even if they do cut me off. I hope they don’t though.