Category Archives: Lovelife

What’s been new

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So I was homeless for 8 months which I stayed at a shelter twice and couch hopped mostly, then I got linked up with RSI who found me this 2 bedroom apartment that I have been living in since March. I found a roommate which has been helping me with the rent and food and I’m still linked with ACT which is for my mental health.

I am still single but I have male friends, I haven’t been posting on social media lately. I lost everything when I became homeless and now only have furniture because of RSI and clothes because of my mom. I lost a ton of weight and my clothes are mostly too big.

I’m probably not going to do anything for the holidays, they cut food stamps in new York State because of the government shut down. My health has been okay but my asthma has put me in the ER four times in the last six months.

I’m using my friends wifi and I can’t play any games, watch movies or go on TikTok cause she gets pissed so I guess I’ll just try to blog every day and try to revamp my website via my phone. I still don’t have a laptop since mine was stolen by my ex in October of 2023.

I mostly sit in the apartment bored and try to fill my day up with reading and writing. I have writers block and haven’t written anything in a long time. My phone is off and has been off since July. I’m going to turn it back on in January I believe.

Nothing really has been going on the last couple of months, I’m going to start blogging a couple of times a week to keep y’all updated.

IDK What To Do Anymore

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Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore, my dude and I have been fighting every day, it’s always about dumb shit, it starts as soon as I wake up and doesn’t end until I go to bed. We were fighting really bad yesterday and I ended up cutting. I struggle with self harm and have been since I was 11 years old. I even asked my sister if I could spend a couple of nights at her house and at first she told me no. I was like WTF, and I think she’s hooking up with old dude again and thats why she doesn’t want me there.I mean honestly I’d let her stay with me so I don’t know why she wouldn’t do the same. Then she was like yeah but you can’t live with me again. I was like no one said anything about living with you, I just wants to stay a couple nights thats it.

Then some dude that lives in the apartment above mine threatened me over the phone this morning, He also threanted stacey a couple months ago. He tells females he will beat their ass but won’t tell a man that.

A lot of shit been going on

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So I have been dealing with a lot of drama but what else is new, I almost had to cut Stacey off completely. So I became her payee through social security last summer and all was good until two months ago when she didn’t pay any of her bills but did pay her rent but then last month she didn’t pay her rent. She told me she paid her rent and told the office that her son had a family emergency. Then about two weeks into the month she had a conversation in front of me where the person was like “So what, Did you tell the office when you didn’t pay rent?” and I was like “Wait what? you paid the rent right, you told me you paid the rent” and she just looked down. There were a couple other reasons but I had a couple talks with her last week and then last Tuesday, she had a get together at her house and my vape disappeared. So I ended up going back to her house and taking hers, then I called her and said since mine went missing she wasn’t getting hers back.

I’m trying to quit smoking so I needed my vape and she is still buying cigarettes and I haven’t been to the reservation in three months. So it came to a head and Wednesday morning I ended up calling her and telling her that I was done and I blocked her. Then I called Social Security and told them that I no longer wanted to be her payee, when they asked why, instead of telling them the real deal, I said we had a falling out. Then that night me and my new dude went to dinner with my mom where I told her what was going on with Stacey and both of them said I should give her another chance.

On Friday I ended up unblocking her and then slept through Saturday all day and then Sunday she called to let me know she picked up my meds. I went to get my meds and talked to her and she asked about the Vape, I said nah you aren’t getting it back. I got paid today and bought a pack of newports and called her and said if you want one, you gotta come to the store and she did. I’ve been blacking out a lot and I started to get that feeling at the store and wanted someone there in case I did. I told her I called about not being her payee and she said that her doctor would sign off on being her own payee and if they ask would I say that I felt like she could handle her own money? I said yes but real talk I think she gonna have another payee eventually and I already told her not to ask me and if she lost her apartment fucking around not paying her rent which against her protests shes paying double rent this month that she couldn’t come stay with me.

She’s got habits that shes going to lose everything including her family if she keeps them up. She’s a good friend in some ways but she doesn’t understand the difference between me being my own payee and not pay my own rent it falls on just me but when she has me as a payee and don’t pay her rent she could have me in jail because they gonna think I am stealing her money and she wasn’t grasping it and I got so fed up. We good now but on certain shit I can’t trust her on.

As for me, I have been doing good. Finally got rid of fwb and moved on, he randomly pops up every now and then and I see him all the time but there is nothing there and there is nothing after what he did to make me not hate him. Now another guy I had relations with who Stacey also did is back and she paid for him to have relations with her, I don’t pay for sex so while he was asking me for money back then he was dealing with me. It wasn’t happening. So that it for that, I am good with who I am with. Way better then all my exs put together. Ended up having to block my ex that used to get drunk and beat on me, he knows I am with someone and called at like two am so I blocked him right away.

I’m a dumbass bitch, apparently

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So I am hiding out at my sisters house, I’m taking a vacation here because my current ex won’t come here. On Wednesday, he held me in my apartment while he was drunk. He shoved me in my apartment when I was opening my door and then preceded to tell me that I’m a dumbass bitch and hes got all these bitches and I’m ugly and he would never commit to me and just all this stuff and all I wanted was for him to leave and leave me alone. He hit me on my back a couple of times which I have bruises from and he slapped me twice. Then finally he left and I laid in my bed and tried to sleep but my PTSD was fucking with me because I was having flashbacks of my ex ex choking me and trying to kill me so I packed a bag and came downstairs to my sisters apartment because he hates her and won’t come here. He kept saying that he Loves me but bullshit, if you loved me you wouldn’t hit me and cheat on me. I’ve been at my sisters since and we ran into him later and he acted like he didn’t break my heart.

Bullshit. A bunch of Bullshit

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So Things have been going up and all the way down with the current guy I’m dating and honestly after the last couple of days…I’m done. So about a week ago he was here about seventeen hours because I have wifi and he doesn’t. I left him in my apartment a couple of times because I thought I could trust him and while I did have a twisted tea while he was here, I wasn’t close to wasted. I’m a lightweight but not that much of one.

Anyways a few days ago, I look under my sink in my kitchen where I had a ton of cleaning products as I was getting ready to clean, some of them weren’t even open to find them all gone. So noting that I go looking for other things that I bought but haven’t used yet like four packs of Tops Papers and a box of batteries and they were missing too. Knowing who took them I call him and he sends me to voicemail so I curse him out on his VM.

Basically he shows up to my door yesterday yelling at me that I had been drunk and told him that he could take whatever he wanted. That never happened, I’m so pissed because now things I didn’t think I had to buy in March, I now have to buy. On top of that I’m sick and I feel like shit and it’s a blow to find out that someone I trusted it, had stolen from me.

He also accused me of giving him an STD and that he knows that my ex boyfriend who I haven’t seen since April had been in my apartment last Christmas. First of all, He’s banned from my building and second of all, we had a driving ban over Christmas weekend and the next week because we got blasted with snow, and the buses weren’t running plus it was like -20 outside. I spent Christmas with my sister.

Much to my sisters delight, I’ve been wearing more makeup and she’s been doing my eye makeup, while I like how eyeliner looks my hands shake too bad to do it to myself so my sister does it for me. After he left last night, I had a frightening dream about my ex actually being in my building over Christmas weekend and said I should have looked on the ground outside my window (I’m on the sixth floor) but in reality he’d be arrested if he was in the building.

I did get a text from him, yesterday asking if I still had his xbox login, guess he bought a new one after he sold the one I bought him, so I text the info to him and that was the end of the convo. My current is an idiot, then later today I took a nap and had a very weird dream about my current doing my make up and I was all pink, like it was horrible.

Overall I’m done, between him stealing from me and then him blaming it on me, I’m done. I’m not feeling well, my throat is killing me and I’ve lost my voice. I also think I have a UTI so I’m going to urgent care on Monday. I’m on a dating app and have been taking it on and off my phone for weeks now but now it’s staying on there and I’ve giving my current the kick out of my life.

Stop pushing my buttons

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I wish people would stop pushing my buttons, the last few days I have been trying so hard not to punch people in the face. Usually I’ll wait until someone hits me first before I hit them, because then it’s self defense and not assault. But they way things have been going the last couple days, I’m just getting more and more pissed off and I am scared that I’m going to get to my breaking point and catch a assault charge.

It’s not often that I get to that point but when I do I act first and worry about the consequences later, my sister has seen me get that mad a couple of times and I’m almost to that point today. This started Wednesday, my best friend and I had dinner with my mom and she brought my Christmas present to dinner. She kept saying things like “you know, I know you wanted a laptop but laptops are very expensive” and “will you be disappointed if it’s not a laptop” so we get drinks from the bar at applebees and order an app, then she gives me the gift. At this point I’m thinking, it’s not a laptop but the gift was big like a laptop box and heavy. So I open it and I see the intel sticker and I have it upside down but she said it wasn’t a laptop and I’m like trying to figure out what it is like not thinking clearly because it’s obviously a laptop, right? so I flip the box over and my moms like “it’s a laptop”. She really had me convinced it wasn’t, so I call my step father who I haven’t spoken to since I took over my own disability money by force in 2016, and I’m like “omg thank you so much” and he said “you’re welcome, enjoy you’re Christmas”, I used to be really close with him before the whole money situation and I want that relationship back but, I don’t know how to go about that. He said some hurtful things to me back then and I was angry so I said some shit back. Like I was my own payee so I had every right to manage my own money and it sucks that I had to go to the bank and lock them out of my account that way but they wouldn’t let me manage my own money and I felt it had to be done.

After dinner, I had a ten dollar starbucks gift card on the app from Crowdtap, so I ask my mom to stop at Starbucks for me and my best friend, so we do but when I go to pull the giftcard up my fucking phone froze and I couldn’t pull it up, so my mom ended up paying so that pissed me off because I don’t like asking her for stuff unless I really need to borrow money for medicine or something and I always pay it back when my money hits my account, I zelle it right back. We get back to the house and we stop at our mutual friend’s apartment to get him because we were going to have a couple of drinks. He said he would be down in a couple of minutes so we went to her apartment and waited. Now he left two pints of liquor at her apartment, this fact will be important later in this post, We waited for him and then he gave me his bottle and I mixed the liquor in my glass of pepsi.

I literally don’t remember what started the arguement, I really don’t and to be honest he doesn’t remember either because before we left and while me and her were at dinner with my mom, he was killing pints apparently. Anyways, He eventually asked her from one of the dinners we ordered from the mission for thanksgiving and he goes to put it in the microwave and all the corn fell out of the dinner and on the floor and he just leaves it there. So because my best friend and I have been friends for 9 years and I consider her family (so does my mom) and I call her my sister, I ask him if he’s going to clean the corn up after he eats and he explodes, like he had an attitude with me even before we went to dinner, like I don’t know what his issue was with me but whatever. So he’s like “Why don’t you clean up the corn” and I said “Because I’m not the one who spilled it on the fucking ground” and he starts just popping off random shit “You can barely make coffee” and “You’re apartment is a mess”, like popping off bullshit at me and I’m just getting madder and madder and honestly I can’t even remember what I was yelling back at him and my sister is yelling at him to stop talking to me like that and then he says some shit that had me ready to knock his ass out of his wheelchair and push that bitch across the room so he couldn’t get back in it, I would never do that of course but I’m not going to lie, I thought about it so I decide I don’t even want the damn drink I made and I decide to bounce and go home. So I dump the drink, grab my pepsi and start to walk to the door, this fucking asshole, gonna roll ahead of me and block the fucking door, again I thought of knocking his ass to the ground because he’s still popping off shit and I’m leaving, why are you blocking my fucking exit and still running your fucking mouth not even making sense because you had like seven pints today and you’re three sheets to the wind.

Finally I get out of there knowing the next day was the first and I had shit to do, so I’m trying to calm down enough to go to sleep so I’m shaking because when I’m pissed I shake and all I want to do is hit something or someone. I of course took my ass inside and got on my new laptop, and I’m like, I’ll just make him at the game and download the extreme violence mod and beat him up in my game. About an hour later, I call my sister (I’m beyond mad still), and I tell her I’m done with him. I ended up staying up all night downloading mods and CC, and by morning when I went to her house for coffee I decide to forgive him and invite him to come with us to do our errands.

He meets us at her apartment, so we let a couple busses pass and we ended up not leaving until 1pm and I’m thinking, good, the kids will be off the bus by the time we head back home. So we head downtown and hit the bank, I hit the atm and she had to talk to someone about closing an account and getting a pin for her new account, so I pull the money and have a seat in the bank with him to wait for her. So I’m separating my money into different pockets in my wallet so I don’t dip in to money I need for cigarettes for something else, so I’m counting my money and some random man walks up on me and he’s like “Can you help me out?” how the fuck you gonna be in the bank begging me for money, there’s a reason I did it in the bank and not outside, I was trying to avoid people asking me for money. TF, so I’m like seriously? I tell the man “Hell the fuck no”, I was rude about it to then I start talking shit to my friend like wtf. So now I’m annoyed, we go get pizza at the slice shop and I kill both slices which never happens because their slices are huge.

We go to the reservation and we were like freezing at that point, like ready to go home. I planned on going to treat the three of us to starbucks because I have that giftcard but said fuck it and got us dunkin donuts. Four donuts was six dollars, like no lie, wtf dunkin, your donuts not even that good to be charging that much for four donuts. Anyways, paid the the six dollars and got me and her frozen hot chocolates and we head to the bus to get to the bus to take us home.

We get off the 16 and theres a fucking 20, our bus, passing us so our friend was like I’ll make sure the bus waits, and like takes off in his wheelchair, almost got hit by a car and stops in front of our bus like a crazy person, lmao, so when me and her get on the bus, I point to him and say “he’s with us”. We stop at the liquor store and I grab a bottle of my E&J apple and then my man, my fwb, I don’t know what we are is blowing up my phone and he wants me to meet him at my apartment, so I tell them I’ll see them later and go home.

This is the point where people kept pushing my buttons, He gets to my house and all he wants to do is argue, he’s asking me the same question over and over and then when I answered, he’s like “You’re lying” and “you’re just mad because you got caught” and I’m like CAUGHT DOING WHAT, LYING ABOUT WHAT? and then he goes to the store and takes my keys and by this point hes three sheets to the wind because his ass can’t handle his fucking liquor and refusing to give me my keys and he kept hanging up on me and yelling at me and at this point I just want my keys and I’m freaking out because my building doesn’t have a front door key, it as a fob and it’s like 50 dollars just to replace that and I don’t have the money to replace my keys because psycho over here is holding my keys hostage.

So I’m getting madder and madder, so I call my sister because she’s holding on to my liquor because FWB will drink it like my ex, they just take my shit. Anyways, I call her and I’m like, well I need you to pour some of my E&J in a soda bottle and bring it to me, so she does. I pour me some, bottle is half full, put it in my freezer right. Then I call her back because we were supposed to make dinner together but I don’t have my keys, so we resechduled for tonight. Anyways, he pops up still refusing to give me my keys asking me the same question over and over, apparently not listening to my answer, cause he’s been drinking all day. Then he sits next to me, so I just go in has pants pocket and take my keys back and I hold them because he is never getting my keys ever again after the shit he pulled last night. Fuck That.

Meanwhile he’s asking the same question over and over, and I’m getting more pissed off by the second and I’m getting closer and closer to my breaking point because all he ever wants to do is argue. I ended a ten year fucking relationship like that, He likes to push my buttons, he keeps on pushing them im going to get to the point where we gonna be in a alleration, there’s going to be some violence going down. I gave my ex a black eye once for him putting his hands on me, like don’t do that, I’ll hit your ass back. Fuck that.

The this morning, I get up and I go to my sisters and I’m still ready to put my hands on her and our mutual friend. So last night, I gave her my bottle cause FWB or whatever would drink it if I had it here, she told me it wouldn’t be touched, she and mutual friend DRANK MY FUCKING E&J, it took everything in me not to punch her ass, when I tell you, IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO HIT HER. DEAD FUCKING ASS and wait until I get my hands on him. They both have my main number, fuck that, she has both my numbers all she had to do was call me but no, they just drank my shit like fuck Jolene. It’s always fuck Jolene, people think I should just let them take my shit. THIS ISN”T A FREEBIE ZONE, I’m constantly hit up for money like i’m a fucking atm, cigarettes , FWB just takes my liquor that half bottle I have in the freezer, he didn’t leave me enough to have a decent drink. He brought a 40 and a bottle of vodka to my house, but wants to drink my liquor BUT WON”T SHARE HIS.

Then my sister has an appointment but after she’s going to replace my bottle when the real person who should replace it is our fucking mutual friend who I bought fucking pizza for, who I don’t just drink his liquor he leaves at her house but you know what maybe I should, maybe I should just help myself and say I’ll replace it and let my fucking sister replace it. So anyways I walk her downstaris and someone asks me for a cigarette and I’m already mad so real rude, I’m like SUPPORT YOUR OWN FUCKING HABIT and he’s like I’ll buy it, I DONT FUCKING SELL CIGARETTES and I am so fucking sick of supporting peoples habits, their liquor habits, their food habits, their cigarette habits, being hit up for money every fucking day, GET A FUCKING JOB. I can’r tell you how many bottles that FWB owes me and my sister that we still haven’t gotten.

To top this all off, I accidently pushed my dresser drawer that I have my cigarettes in to far and now it won’t fucking open, I’m done with everything today.

This Building is worse than PBA

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So there was some drama last night involving the master keys, we have different security guards on site at night like four days a week. So my sister (BF) and I have been hanging out with this guy we met that lives on her floor just drinking, talking, teaching him how to play Rummy and listening to music. He’s even been watching general hospital with her. My FWB doesn’t like him, to be fair, he really doesn’t like anyone. And I really don’t know who to believe when it comes to this situation.

Anyways, last night I went to her apartment and we were talking and listening to music, I was on my phone on a dating app matching with different people. I showed him a couple of pictures of women I matched with and we were just chilling. Stacey made me a soda and E&J combo from her flask that I forgot she had and we also killed a bottle of wine between the three of us. Then he said he was going to run to the store to get some beer and my sister and I a can of twisted tea.

So he’s gone about twenty minutes, he comes back and tells us how the security guard from our building was at the store fighting with some girl whose not allowed in the building and supposedly has warrants out (she didn’t), the police were called and he was like in the middle of it. Anyways the security guard that was on last night dropped her keys in the store and he picked them up not knowing they were hers (according to him) then he came back, we drinking and he’s on the phone then we started our game of rummy and got through only two hands.

At 2am, my FWB calls me wanting to know if this neighbor is around and if I had seen him, because security was looking for him and came up to FWB door. So I’m like “yeah, why? We are playing cards at my sisters” so he gets mad and hangs up on me. So I’m kinda upset but trying to hide it, then about ten minutes later security at my sister’s door yelling at him through the door her keys, the master keys and he said he gave them to another neighbor because he thought they were the other neighbors. I heard some other shit today, but we’ll get into that later.

So he goes out to talk to her and he’s gone for a while, meanwhile my stomach is starting to hurt from mixing the spiked Pepsi with E&J, the wine and the twisted tea so I’m thinking about going home. He finally comes back and he’s pissed because he said that management was there, the cops were there and the security guard was accusing him of stealing her keys. He ends up going back downstaris, even though my sister was telling him to stay.

About twenty minutes after He left, I went home and texted my sister that I was safe. I took my meds, read a little bit then went to bed around three. Around five, someone blowing up my door ; ringing my doorbell and knocking. I answer the door mad as hell, like who the fuck at my door and it’s him. He has the audacity to accuse me of stealing his tablet. I’m stuck cause I thought he was a cool dude but I don’t need to steal anyone’s shit, I have a kindle fire, I have two laptops, I have a smart TV and I have two phones, why I need to steal anyone’s shit. I’m like dude, I ain’t take your shit and I’m sleeping like, either you took it with you outside or it’s still at my sisters.

So he bounce and I go back to sleep and wake up at nine, I go to my sisters for coffee and we just talking and I get up to throw something out in her garbage can and get really dizzy. I try to put my hand on the wall for support and I just end up falling backwards. I came home then FWB call mad at me still over last night, telling me that apparently the neighbor went in my sisters next door neighbor’s apartment, like let himself in with the master keys and she called her son and her nephews to handle him, like I don’t even know what to say, and that him and the neighbor were arguing about it in the lobby.

Then we get a letter that management is changing locks on everyone’s apartments today and that security will be on 24/7 until this issue is resolved. I have no words, I thought dude was cool but like FWB has lived here for three years and I trust him more.

Always some drama happening.

I’m Around

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I bought a used computer last week which got here Friday, I was going to use it for parts to fix mine but the screen on this one is broken too. I am able to use it though and I got it for eighty dollars so…

I am trying to stay on top of my email, I may have to do a mass delete of my personal one. SO bought me a kindle fire a couple weeks ago, I have the seven so I have been doing a lot of reading and playing Sims Mobile which I like way better then Freeplay. I was able to install the sims 4 on this laptop and I bought the Laundry stuff pack but I haven’t really played yet.

I have been on twittter and on a couple of groups on facebook.

Inside look at something personal

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The last couple days have been really stressful and I have posted a couple of tweets that ranted to the way I have been feeling. I have a certain friend who thinks that she knows my man & my relationship better then me. I have spoken to her on several occasions and told her I didn’t like that and not to do that. I try to keep my personal life and struggles off of this blog and off of social media for the simple fact that what I am going through another bitch don’t need to know. However I’ve been stressed and I just need to vent.

The first thing is my SO has a drinking problem as far as he blacks out, doesn’t remember doing stuff and it effects our personal relationship, his family & friends. I think what happened last night and the results of that really made him realize that he can’t drink anymore. Some people can’t drink, I am one of those people. Like him I have a temper and when I drink, I don’t think and I will act fist and deal with the aftermath later. I’ve been asked why I don’t drink anymore, this is the reason why.

Now, this friend has made a couple of comments about how my man can handle liquor like she knows him better then I do. I feel like she’s trying to micro manage my relationship and I hate that shit. Anyone whose been around my SO when he was drunk on more then one occasion have told him they think he shouldn’t drink.

I am over this situation, and let me make myself perfectly clear…at this point I am super grateful that as much as I rant about how horrible this building is….everyone minds their own business in here. I am friendly with just about everyone on the floor I am on and have apologized to them.

I wanted to make a generalized post about this situation as I know people in my building visit my blog and my twitter.

Sims 4 & Health Stuff

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Today is my SO’s birthday and we probably aren’t doing anything because I feel like shit…yeah still. I don’t have the upper respiratory infection anymore but now I am having bad stomach pain. So I have been pretty much doubled over in pain..can’t sleep, can barely eat and am miserable which is pretty much what my life was like seven years ago for three months straight…doctors ran lots of tests and everything turned up fine..who knows.

Anyway before the november seventh update broke all the mods in the sims 4, I had the wicked whims mod installed (not for anyone below 18) and I am pretty sure it was this mod that did this to my toddlers made in CAS (as it wasn’t happening before)…. 

 

 

They all had glowing eyes, like hers: she looks like a baby demon, wtf.  Some had glowing red eyes like hers, some glowed yellow and some glowed blue….like my game was possessed.  It only happened with the toddlers made in CAS though…not the adults.

 

Then I figured out the new update broke wicked whims and other mods when CAS would open but wouldn’t let me do anything so I just removed them all for now…until they get updated.

Not really doing anything today, watched Jeepers Creepers three on Tuesday night, yeah not scary. SO and I thought it was really dumb and everyone we’ve talked too thought the same. Really sucks because we were both looking forward to the movie and they could have made it not come out until next year around Halloween and made it…idk better.